Page 10 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE May, 1989

HEALING OURSELVES

by Fern Levy

A Hug Is Worth a Thousand Words

When I go to the Food Co-Op in University Circle, I try to remember to read the 8-1/2 by 11 piece of paper tacked to a small piece of wall between the jugs of distilled water and the 50-pound bags of dog food. The heading on the whitish paper is "The Single Hug" with a picture of a smiling sun next to it. It reads like this: "Hugging feels so good that a lot of people confuse hugging with sex, and that's really too bad. This unfortunate misunderstanding causes people who are afraid of sex to avoid hugging. It leads to sexual promiscuity when all they really want is to hugged. Sex and hugging are two different things. A hug is a hug is hug, and people must stop thinking about hugging as a means to an end. Hugging is a wonderful, beautiful loving end all by itself!"

When I first noticed these words of wisdom sometime last year, I began to think about all of the unconsummated hugging relationships in my life. The times I wanted to hug and hold someone but was afraid to initiate it or even to ask, afraid of being misunderstood, I guess. My secret fantasy is to be a promiscuous hugger. To hug indiscriminately, without reason or logic, insatiably, losing sense of beginning or ending, and with love.

I believe that one of the most profound emotional epidemics in our culture is the epidemic of hug and touch deprivation. The late Virginia Satir, a family therapist, taught us that, as with vitamins and minerals, there is a minimum daily requirement for hugs, too.

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Seven are needed in order to sustain optimal health and well-being. Do you get seven hugs every day? How about even one? The big question is, "why not?"

Actually, "why not?" is an easy question to answer. We are afraid. It is easier to have impersonal sex than it is to really touch and be touched. Touching creates a closeness, a level of intimacy that can be scary to those unaccustomed to letting themselves be soft and vulnerable with another human being who also allows softness and vulnerability.

After all, "A hug is a hug is a hug." That's all. Just the nurturance we all need, the reassurance that we are all right, that we are loved, and that we are acknowledged by a fellow human being.

Touch is healing, Touch feeds us. It's no coincidence that this piece on hugging hangs on the wall of the Food Co-Op where we shop for food to nourish ourselves.

The next big question is "How do we begin to get our touching, snuggling, cuddling, huggling (a combination of hugging and snuggling) needs met in our lives?"

The answer? By asking. You need a hug, ask for one. You want to hug someone, do it. Your back itches, ask to have it scratched. You want a snuggle partner, ask someone to be your snuggle partner. You need to be held, ask someone to hold you. Try a few minutes at first, then a half hour or two hours or however long you need.

Allow yourself to be held, to be hugged, to be nourished by touch. Hug kneecap to kneecap, thigh to thigh, belly to belly, chest to chest, nose to nose, face to face, cheek to cheek. See if you can hold this position for 30 seconds, a minute, two minutes, standing up. Rock, sway, sigh, breathe together. Say thank you. Remember, "A hug is a hug is a hug." That's all. Allow it in. Allow yourself to be nurtured. Let yourself be touched.

"Sex and hugging are two different things." They are both good things. Neither one is better or worse, less or more than the other. Hugging feels good. Sex feels good. That doesn't mean you have to have sex with everyone you hug. And, by the way, it's supposed to feel good. There are many ways to experience pleasure and to celebrate our bodies.

"Hugging is a wonderful, beautiful end all by itself." So be it. And remember to stay in touch. ▼

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